The rape of the Noble Quest for Knowledge

A thirst for knowledge has since my teens always been part of me, a desire to understand how the puzzle of the world is constructed, in all its facets. For a long time, I even naively identified this as being the goal in my life, as if acquiring knowledge and understanding was that what mattered above all. But, this delusion of having set it as a goal aside, would you not say the quest for knowledge is a rather noble vocation? The quest to improve oneself, to grow, the quest to learn how the world operates, always keeping an open mind and talking to people coming from various perspectives and traditions, careful not to get stuck in dogmas of your own. I suppose we can all agree on how noble this is..... we can all agree on how noble I am...

And there we have it, I am forced to see my so-beloved ego popping into the equation, spoiling the sweet taste of the noble intentions I deemed to have. For how can I regard my intentions of understanding the world separate from being a part of it myself? The error of my ways is apparent in the fact that, as I already said, for a long time, I deemed knowledge to be of such paramount importance that I equated it with the meaning of my life. Why? What is the point of acquiring knowledge? Acquiring knowledge implies holding knowledge and still not being satiated, which in turn implies suffering. What if I held all knowledge? What then? What use does it serve? Can I really go around admitting that there is a part in me, which seeks knowledge not just for the so-called growth it brings myself, but also for the recognition and respect it commands from others? In doing so, my ego and I would reaffirm our identity: "Me - the knower, me - the intellectual, me - the philosopher, me - the sage", an identity separating us from the unfortunate souls who have the misfortune never to possess such excellent qualities.

Let me illustrate this insight further: When reading texts of high academic nature, on whatever subject, or even a work of literature, this aforementioned part of me is not satisfied with merely understanding its content (if I even manage to understand enough of it at all), but moreover wants to surpass it and yield idea and pen in a similar fashion, or I dare say even superior fashion. And thus, the once so noble quest for knowledge and self-growth has been raped, robbed of its virginity, as behind the mask there is the so very human quest for recognition, respect and reaffirmation of identity, which ironically distinguishes me from nobody, as we seem to be all alike in that regard.

How am I different from the school dropout, who made a vocation out of improving his body by training his muscles three times a week in the gym? He does not do so only to be fit and able, but also to be respected by others, both the girls he craves attention from, as well as the guys he demands respect from. Both of us get satisfaction from our physical or intellectual endeavours, and both of us, in conclusion, can not deny that we are not, at least in part, fuelled by the need to reaffirm ourselves, in both our own eyes and in the eyes of others.

Now, dear reader, I am open to listen to your comments on the profound insight we, my ego and I, just had. Feel free to applaud us for our sincerity and our ability to criticise ourselves, as so many others often neglect to do. Of course you may also applaud us for the stylish and eloquent way in which we just put our thoughts to paper. Or you may try to persuade us that we are wrong, as you yourself, dear reader, might be in the illusion you are not susceptible to the same criticism. Such an attempt would be futile though, and would only prove to us that we, unlike you, are capable of more self-criticism, and we will, after the rape of the noble quest of knowledge, have found new ways to distinguish and identify ourselves.